"That is not what I meant at all. / That is not it, at all."

When I was teaching, I assigned a weekly essay on a specific topic in each of my classes, and the most common complaint from the students was, "I can't think of anything to write about!"

I'd suggest A. "No," the student would say, "I don't know anything about A."

How about B? "No, I hate B."

C? "I've written about C a million times. I'm bored with C."

After about 15 minutes of offering suggestions that the student dismissed, I'd give up. The lack of a subject for writing then became my problem, because I wasn't creative enough to think of a perfect, interesting, inspiring subject for the kid.

And so it is with bookselling. Only worse. Instead of a single topic in expository writing, I'm faced with millions of books--and the loonies.

Earlier this week a customer came in and bought a book. Before she left, she told the staffer that she wanted to talk with the owner.

"Hi, I'm P-doobie, the owner," I said. "How may I help you?"

"Do you read U. S. News and World Report?" she asked. I told her I didn't. "Well, you should," she replied. I asked her why. "I'm not going to tell you, because you should already know. You should just buy a copy and find out." I thanked her warmly for the tip and started to go back to the office. She said, "You should read it because it has those lists of books."

I turned back. "A best-seller list?"

"Yes. You should have a best-seller list." She was standing in front of the best-seller shelves.

I said, "We do have a best-seller list, and it's published every Thursday in the Monitor. And here," I said gesturing to the books, "are the best-sellers in independent bookstores throughout the country."

She said, "I know that. I don't like those books [gesturing at the shelves], and there's nothing on the Monitor list that I want to read. Too sciencey."

"We also publish a monthly best-seller list in our email newsletter. Would you like to subscribe?" I asked.

"No," she said. "I hate email, and I don't want your list. I want a list like the one in U. S. News and World Report."

"What makes it different and special to you?" I asked.

"I'm not going to tell you. You should just buy a copy and find out for yourself."

I thanked her again and turned to head back to the office.

"It has a list of books and one line about each one."

I returned to the counter and said, "When someone on our staff reads a book they like, they write a note about it and put the note in the book. See?" I showed her many of the best-sellers and all the staff-picks section with shelf-talkers.

"I don't want to read those," she said. "They're too long. I don't want to read a lot."

"'Looks like war, Miss Scarlett.' 'Fiddle-dee-dee!' 'BOOM!' Now this is Gone with the Wind as it should have been written!"