Why the bookseller drinketh

1 Now it came to pass in those days that there were no men of sense in all the land, but everyone walked to the imagination of his own heart.

2 And the people said to one another, “We will get our learning from the merchant who taketh its name from the mighty river of South America and who hath a presence, like the LORD, from the borders of the Great Lakes northward, till it cometh to the plains and swamplands of the South, which abound with oranges, pomegranates, and figs. And from that merchant we will purchase Bibles enough for the children at the preschool, from whence they will graduate.”

3 And, lo, the mighty merchant told the people that the Bible which they desired was out of print. And they waxed exceedingly wroth. And yea, some acted as if they were lunatick, and others suffered the palsy and other divers torments, and they could not be healed.

4 And it came to pass that they went to the merchant named for a travelers’ place of sojourn, and talked there with the owner.

5 Now P-Doobie was the daughter of Margaret, who was the daughter of Nora Belle, who was the daughter of E. Lucy. And the years of P-Doobie were three score and one. And she greeted the people, saying, “How mayest I help you?”

6 And the people said, “We have gone to the great merchant who taketh its name from the mighty river of South America, and it telleth us that the Bible which we desire is out of print. The school needeth the Bibles for the children at the preschool by Tuesday, and it is six days before the Festival of Graduation. We are sore afraid, for we should have come to you ere now; nay, we should have come unto you first.”

7 And P-Doobie thought unto herself, “You haveth that right, Barney. Good LORD.”

8 And the people continued, “The school needeth Bibles for the children. They must be illustrated and have a presentation page and have a zipper closure and be bound in Leatherflex of many colors and must have the words of the LORD written in red letters.”

9 And P-Doobie asked, “What version?”

10 And the people asked, “What versions dost thou have available?”

11 To which P-Doobie replied, “Our distributor provideth the 20th Century Bible, Alba House Gospels, American Standard Version, American Translation, Amplified Bible, Basic English Bible, Biblia de las Americas, Contemporary English Version, Douay-Rheims, Emphasized Bible, English Standard Version, English Version for the Deaf, Geneva Bible New Testament, God's Word, Good News Version, Hebrew Names Version of World English Bible, Holman Christian Standard Bible, J. B. Phillips New Testament, Jerusalem Bible, Jewish New Testament, King James Version, Lamsa Bible, Living Bible, Modern King James Version, Modern Language Bible, Moffatt Bible, Montgomery New Testament, New American Bible, New American Standard, New Century Version, New English Bible, New International Readers Editions, New International Version, New Jerusalem Bible, New King James Version, New Living Translation, New Revised Standard Version, Plain English Bible, Revised Standard Version, Richmond Lattimore Translation of the New Testament, The Living Bible, The Message, The Message, Translator's NT, World English Bible, Young's Literal Translation, New International Readers' Version, New Jerusalem Bible, New Jewish Translation, New King James Version, New Life Bible, New Living Translation, New Revised Standard Version, J. B. Phillips' New Testament in Modern English, Reina Valera, Revised English Bible, Revised Standard Version, Simple English Bible, The Schocken Bible Volume 1: The Five Books of Moses, Twenty-first Century King James Version, Tyndale New Testament, Weymouth New Testament, Worrell New Testament, Wuest Expanded Translation New Testament, Young's Literal Translation.”

12 And the people asked, “Canst thou repeat that list again?”

13 And P-Doobie thought unto herself yet again, “Good LORD on a bicycle.”

14 Now the people conferred among themselves and, lo, they agreed to order a children’s Bible that was illustrated and had a presentation page and had a zipper closure and was bound in Leatherflex of many colors and had the words of the LORD written in red letters.

15 “Will the Bibles arrive before the Festival of Graduation?” the people asked, and P-Doobie replied, “It will be close.”

16 And the people asked, “Canst request expedited shipping so that they will arrive tomorrow?” and P-Doobie replied, “If thou wouldst pay five shekels of silver per book, we can do that.”

17 And the people said, “Forgetteth that. Go with regular shipping, for we have but two mites.”

18 And so it came to pass that P-Doobie ordered the Bibles, and they arrived the morning of the festival, and she called the pre-school and said, “Thy Bibles are here. Wouldst thou pick them up?”

19 And the representative of the people said, “Nay, for the Festival of Graduation hath started, and the children look so comely in their raiment of crepe paper. Thy service unto us has been lacking, and we are sore annoyed.”

20 And P-Doobie began weeping and wailing and rending her garments and taking the name of the LORD in vain and calling down curses upon the people and their offspring, even unto the seventh generation. But she opened the vessel that shewed the Maker’s Mark and gave herself drink, and it was good upon her tongue.