"You can get it for me wholesale." "No, we can't. Now leave."

At Otowi Station Bookstore, we pride ourselves on fulfilling special orders and requests for obscure out-of-print books. We pride ourselves on our hospitality model of doing business and our willingness to do whatever it takes to make our customers happy. People feel at home in the store and love that the staff is characterized by heroism and camaraderie and everyone supporting each other in times of book-related hardship.

However, we have our limits.

Today a woman--let's call her Carabosse--came in with a catalog from Edmund Scientific and asked Terry, our toy buyer, to order a large quantity of a particular item from the catalog. Terry explained that Edmund doesn't wholesale and that we'd have to get the item at the price listed in the catalog. Carabosse said that Terry should just order the items at the list price and then sell them at the list price to her. Terry explained that capitalism doesn't work that way.

Carabosse said that the previous owner of the store always ordered things for her and didn't mind not making a cent on the transactions. Terry said, "That was then. This is now."

The rest of the staff started edging toward the counter to eavesdrop because a) the situation was becoming more absurd by the second and b) it's always interesting to watch a train wreck.

Then Terry asked Carabosse why she just didn't order from the catalog herself. She replied, "Because I don't have a credit card. Besides, I wanted to give you the business."

Carabosse then asked if she could use the phone to call Edmund Scientific. Terry asked her why she didn't use her own phone, because we needed to keep our lines free for actual business. Carabosse said that she didn't have a cell phone, and she wasn't allowed to make personal calls at work. Besides, the order wouldn't take but a minute.

So, against our better judgment, we let her use the phone. Well, naturally, when you call Edmund Scientific, you have to tell how and where you came upon the catalog and what other items caught your eye, and ask questions about whether the solar battery requires batteries to work, where neodymium comes from, whether you're pronouncing neodymium correctly, and whether digital calipers can be used as a C-clamp in an emergency.

During the conversation, Carabosse was draped over the counter and blocking one register, and refused to move. Meanwhile, the only other phone line was ringing constantly, and customers were stacked up at the one available register like flights over O'Hare.

At this juncture I interposed and said loudly, "We need that phone to conduct business. We need this register. Move. Get off the phone. Now. Please."

But Carabosse was ordering her item. She wouldn't be but a minute. Then she had to explain to the helper at Edmund that she didn't have a credit card or a checking account, but would a money order be okay?

I was poised to grab the phone out of her hand, but she speedily concluded her transaction, picked up her catalog, and left without a backward glance or a word of thanks.

I think we could have set a retail record for having the largest number of customers and staff actively hoping for another customer to have an acute myocardial infarction.

I'm going to call Otowi Station and see whether they'll order some military-surplus desiccant for me.