2013 street fund and books

After we closed the bookstore, I began reading for pleasure instead of production. Now that I don't need to keep up with current releases and hot sellers to make informed recommendations to customers, my numbers are down. In 2013, I read 60 books, down from 104 in 2012 and way down from the all-time high of 129 in 2010.

In 2013 I read a lot about orphan trains and the street kids of New York City in the 1880s. Most of the books on orphan trains were crap: they sounded eerily like English and seemed to be of interest only to amateur geneaologists eager to prove that they were indeed adopted, and that's why the rest of the family is certifiably nuts. My three favorite books were

So Long, See You Tomorrow by William Maxwell;
The Secret History by Donna Tartt; and
The Invention of Murder by Judith Flanders.

got books?

The street fund was down also. I found $9.72:

92 pennies,
6 nickels,
20 dimes.
14 quarters, and
3 dollar bills.

I blame the slow economy.

Next year P-Doobie will use an accomplice to trip people outside the ATM.

"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try."--Fran Lebovitz

Is it just me, or have the self-published authors been coming out of the woodwork lately? (Oddly enough, Ina is the only one who does her homework, markets her books aggressively, and gets someone to edit her work.)

How did you get this number? Where? Why?

Last week we got a phone call from an independent author who wanted to know how to get on our bestseller list. Linda, who answered the phone, said, "You sell a lot of books in our store." The man said that the book hadn't been published yet (street date of May 15), but he was doing some preliminary planning. We're generally interested in books with a local connection, so Linda asked what the book was about. The man said that he had been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit and had written a book about his time in prison and corruption in Louisiana politics (always a hot seller in northern New Mexico, which redefines "corruption in politics"). While Linda took that in, he asked, "Where are you?" Linda told him that we are at the corner of 15th and Central, right next to the Bradbury Science Museum. "No," he said, "I mean what state?" Linda said that we're in New Mexico. After he complimented Linda on how well she spoke English, he asked whether we were the bookstore at 109 East Palace in Santa Fe. She told him that there's no bookstore at that address and that we're in Los Alamos. He told her he was in Louisiana, complimented her again on her excellent command of English, and rang off, presumably to continue working down his list of every independent bookstore in the country.

You'll lose money and credibility, but can I do this anyway?

A local independent author has just published a six-volume series of mystery books for middle readers. As free ebooks. Available only on amazon.com (or, as we call it, "the great Satan"). He wanted to know whether we'd promote the books in the store and have an event for him.

Advice for poets

If you're going to attempt Parnassus, do not use the ode or the sonnet to announce that it's going to rain tomorrow because your corns are shooting. Your overwrought, febrile, portentous free-verse musings on the virtues of single-payer health insurance may be profound to you, but they're hilarious to the rest of us. You do not want to descend into bathos at a public event. Trust me.

Everyone I know is interested in my book, except my immediate circle of friends

When a local independent author wants to do a signing or reading from a book we've taken on consignment, I always ask for a list of at least 25 email addresses so that I can send invitations to the author's friends. One author gave me the mailing list of the Unitarian Church. Another author said, "I don't know 25 people who would be interested in my book"; further comment is superfluous.

Would you proofread this for me?

I will read your manuscript for a price. I will edit your manuscript for an even higher price. I will consult with you on how to market your book for an even higher price than I charge for editing. You can't afford me.

Auteur without a premise

Hilarity ensues. Or not.

I have written before about how many of our local authors call their works spoofs as a precaution against criticism from readers who might otherwise say, "This is pointless, dull, and really, really dumb." "Well," the authors reply, "it's a spoof of Melville, Oates, Asimov, or Hemingway [but they'd better be damned good]. It's funny!" To which the critic, reverting to the dynamics of a kindergarten recess, replies, "Ha ha. It's so funny I forgot to laugh."

Now Ina, who has long fancied herself the next incarnation of her favorite author, has assumed a new mantle: that of the next great female auteur, Jane Campion (I was going to say Leni Riefenstahl, but the ick factor in her documentaries is way over the top). Ina has created a "humorous" yet unenthralling movie trailer to test the waters for funding, casting, or producing a movie based on her most famous novel. Watch it yourself. Did it lead to a certain level of mirth, but for all the wrong reasons? For me it was the kind of thing, like a bullfight, that I'm glad I saw—but never want to experience again.

She recently entered the trailer into a contest in Santa Fe, where her main competition was high school film students. The winner, to be determined by the votes of the audience, would get a bunch of cool video equipment to further his or her career. Naturally Ina rounded up all her friends, who voted for her trailer, won the contest, and made scores of much more talented, deserving, and needy young filmmakers angry and resentful. But all is fair in auteurism and war, so, as they say, neener neener neener.

Is you is or is you ain't my agent?

Ina has been shopping her books to various literary agents in the hopes that they might be picked up by a major publisher, and incidentally, get all those cases of unsold books out of the living room. She told me that she's heard from only one agent, who said, "None of your books has any premise." So here's what she said she's going to do. She's going to rework her books by adding a character named Premise into each.

To be fair, which is not my intent, I admire Ina for her self-confidence, her obliviousness to her lack of talent, her relentless self-promotion, and her belief in a loving God, a servant heart, and a senior discount.

Cormac McCarthy's typewriter

Cormac McCarthy is my favorite modern author. One of the happiest days of my life was August 26, 2005, when Michele and I saw him in the Border's bookstore in Santa Fe, and I approached him and introduced myself to him. We talked for about 10 minutes.

I've read all his books, and I think Blood Meridian and Suttree are masterpieces. The first three pages of Suttree are absolutely breathtaking. What would be cooler than owning his typewriter?

Christie's is auctioning his typewriter on Friday, and I've placed an absentee bid. I won't win it, of course, but it's fun to dream.

Cormac McCarthy is god.

That particular brand of chutzpah is known, where I come from anyway, as cruisin' for a bruisin'

On Thursday evening Michele and I were in the store for the signing with William Tucker (hi, Bill!). Competing with the signing, however, was an event at the library, an Authors Speak lecture featuring Los Alamos author James D. Doss (hi, Danny!), who is a good friend to the store and who often drops in to sign books and visit with our customers.

Another frequent visitor to the store is Ina, a local self-published author. And she visited Thursday night. And I listened from the office to her discussion with Michele, Perry, and Susan.

"I want to buy Snake Dreams before the talk at the library. Danny said I could get 20% off the book for his talk," Ina squawked her her going-deaf voice. Apparently she wasn't wearing her hearing aids.

Perry said, "He didn't talk to us about that."

"Well, he said you would."

Susan said, "We offer 20% off on the author's book when he signs here in the store."

"But it is a signing! Danny said that we can get 20% off all his books for tonight's events!"

Michele stepped in and, enunciating crisply and loudly, said, "Danny did not talk with us about any discounts. If Danny were planning a special event that we'd be involved in, he'd come in and talk with us, and the entire staff would be aware of any discounts. We are not discounting his books for signings at other venues. They are 20% off only when he signs here in the store. You do not get a 20% discount on this book."

"Well, I do get a 10% senior discount. I am a senior citizen after all!"

Susan began to ring up her purchase. "You should give me another 10% in honor of his talk over at the library," Ina squawked.

Susan asked, "You want a purple shopping bag for that?"

Ina: "You should give me my entire purchase for 75% off because I am dressed like Jane Austen."

Perry: "Why is the big roll of packing tape always in the workroom when I need it at the counter?"

"Fill me from the crown to the toe, top-full of direst cruelty." Mmmmmm!

Yesterday Michele and I went down to Santa Fe for a book release party at Garcia Street Books for Stephen Mitchell, adaptor of The Second Book of the Tao and husband of Byron Katie. The bookstore was packed (Michele said she counted about 50 people), but from the way the place cleared out after the talk at the signing, most of the folks apparently just wanted to get close to Katie any way they could. One guy was even handing out cards for the class he was teaching on Katie's "The Work."

The woman who sat in front of me wanted everyone to know that she had read Mitchell's and Katie's work, so the reading by Mitchell went something like this.

"As you know, my version of the Tao Te Ching--

"YESSSSSSS!"

"--was published in 1988. The Second Book of the Tao was published this year."

"YESSSSSS!"

"A second book of the Tao, you ask? There's no such thing! What did you do, pull it out of your hat?"

"Hahahahahaha!"

"Let me read from a couple chapters. Chapter 2. "

"MMMMmmmmm." ["MMMMmmmmm" for the chapter number?!]

Before sorrow, anger,

longer, or fear have arisen,

A soulful sigh.

you are the center.

"Mm hm. Mm hm."

When these emotions appear

and you know how to see through them,

you are in harmony.

Another sigh.

That center is the root of the universe;

that harmony is the Tao,

which reaches out to all things.

"How true. How true."

Once you find the center

and achieve harmony,

heaven and earth take their proper places

and all things are fully nourished.

"Mmmmmmm! Mm hm. Mm hm."

She went on like that for 30 minutes. At the end of the reading, Mitchell asked whether anyone had any questions. Up went her hand immediately. From the force she should have dislocated her shoulder. "What's it like being married to Katie?"

Mitchell was very gracious. Instead of telling her, "That's none of your damned business," he spoke in graceful, slightly vague metaphorical terms about his wife while the woman made yummy sounds all through his response.

When Mitchell stepped to the table for the signing, the woman was out of there like a shot. About 15 other people, Michele, and I stayed to get our books signed and to shake his old cow hand.

Stephen Mitchell and Byron Katie

George Leonard Herter revealed!

This week's New York Times Book Review had an essay on George Leonard Herter, everyone's favorite know-it-all. With a picture!

Hangtown Fry! Putting cornstarch in a girdle so it goes on easier! Bombing fish! The finest catalog in the world, too fine for any king I know.

George Leonard Herter. May his name be a blessing.

Hobnobbing with the mid-list and famous

Michele and I spent the week at the annual conference of the Mountains and Plains Independent Booksellers' Association. This year the conference was in Colorado Springs. Come along with me for a trip report in pictures.

When we drive anywhere, one of us drives for two hours, and then we switch. Our first pit stop when we head north is always at the veterans' nursing home in Walsenburg, Colorado, where we take advantage of the clean facilities.

The nursing home is right across the road from Lathrop State Park.

Here is Michele. She feels very refreshed.

The keynote speaker at the conference was Frank Wilczek, who won the Nobel Prize in physics in 2004. We enjoyed his talk about the Large Hadron Collider. After the talk, I shook his hand, and he posed for a photo. That was cool!

Does Peg admire Dr. Wilczek? Nah. Not much.

Rick Riordan, who wrote the series Percy Jackson and the Olympians, spoke at the dinner for children's authors. He's a good speaker and an interesting person. He wrote the first book in a projected 10-book series that features trading cards, online gaming, and a contest in which you can win $100,000.00. (Kids these days. Why, in my day, we were happy just to have our own ratty paperback book that we read over and over until it became compost! We had fun with a piece of string and a stick!)

Rick Riordan tells how teaching influenced his writing.

The other speaker was j.otto Siebold, author of Olive, the Other Reindeer and his new book about a little vampire, Vunce Upon a Time. He's out of his socks. I'm still not sure what exactly he talked about, but we were all laughing hard.

j.otto vs. the microphone.

There are two cocktail receptions for authors. Two major book distributors, Baker and Taylor and Ingram, donate books, and the authors sign them. For a suggested donation of only $2.00 per book, which goes to MPIBA's literacy programs, you can get a ton of signed and inscribed books. 

Cocktails, snacks, and books: the ultimate human experience.

One of the signers was Noah McCullough, who at age 10 published The Essential Book of Presidential Trivia. He's now 13 and published his second book, First Kids: the True Stories of All the Presidents' Children. I was smitten (even if he is a miniature Republican).

Michele and Noah.

Another signer was Obert Skye, author of the Leven Thumps series. We talked with him for a while, and he said he'd like to visit the store. I gave him a card, and he wrote on the back "nice people," so he'd remember us.

Me and Obert Skye.

We also went to the annual authors' breakfast for literacy, another fund-raiser for the literacy program. We were at the top of the hotel, and the ballroom faced west and Pikes Peak.  The MC told the familiar story of how Katherine Lee Bates was inspired by the view from the top of Pikes Peak and wrote the poem "America the Beautiful." He then invited everyone to stand and sing "America the Beautiful." It was really moving to hear several hundred left-leaning booksellers sing the song without a trace of irony.

We then got to hear talks by Laura Pederson, who is the youngest person ever to have a seat on the New York Stock Exchange. I'm reading her memoir, Buffalo Gal, about growing up in Buffalo, New York. It's really funny.

Laura Pederson signs her book.

The other speakers were John Hodgman, the "resident expert" on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and Chuck Klosterman. They're both insanely funny. We accosted Chuck in the hall the day before he was to speak and shook his old cow hand. Later, at the trade show, I asked him to sign copies of Downtown Owl. I said, "You are so cool." He replied, "So are you."

John Hodgman and Chuck Klosterman.

The great thing about the conference is that you can get a ton of books for free or practically nothing. The bad thing is that you have to get them home. We filled up the trunk, and Sophie was resting on her axle.

One day's haul on the desk in our hotel room.

Outside our room were a pond, trees, garden, and wood nymph. 

On the way back we saw this sign. Michele asked, "No center stripe? Then how do they know where to cut?"

Right across the road were some horses. Michele suggested that I take a picture of them, and when I approached, they thought I had treats. Just north of Questa are some heartbroken equines.

Not generally associated with "any sense of shame"

We had a signing Tuesday with the best-selling mystery writer Margaret Coel. She's always a delight--gracious, generous with her time, and charming. She spent a lot of time with the folks who came to the luncheon in her honor, and most of the guests were nice about sharing Margaret with the others, rather than monopolizing her time. 

Among the people at the luncheon and the signing afterwards was local author Ina, who had a satchel full of press clippings, her books, scrapbooks, and photo albums featuring Ina in various athletic pursuits. She stood in line and talked at length about her travels, Jane Austen, and the fact that one of her books may be made into a movie, because a producer took a copy at a workshop she went to.

Margaret would occasionally peer around Ina at the other people in line, smile apologetically, and then politely return to Ina's monologue. Finally, I nabbed Ina, asked her nicely to let other people have a chance, and led her away.

Toward the end of the signing, Margaret said, "I need to give you my credit card. Ina wants me to buy her book [the one that may be made into a movie]." I told Margaret to put away her money. I went back to the workroom and asked Alan to take the book out of inventory so we could give it to Margaret. 

"Ina didn't give the book to Margaret?!" he spluttered. "She's making Margaret buy it?" When I went back into the store, Margaret said, "At least self-published authors can choose the artwork for their covers." Her observation was accompanied by the faint sounds of spluttering still coming from the workroom.

"Who knew she would recite Pride and Prejudice at a book signing?"

The Nietzsche Family Circus

Check out The Nietzsche Family Circus, which "pairs a randomized Family Circus cartoon with a randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quote. " I think Colleen will like it. It certainly takes most of the curse off the strip for me. That Billy!


Women can form a friendship with a man very well; but to preserve it--to that end a slight physical antipathy must probably help.

Nazi book burning

Seventy five years ago on May 10, 1933, the Nazis staged what is probably the most infamous of all book burnings. The burnings were a very public, very threatening public relations stunt organized by two Nazi student associations anxious to prove their allegiance to the government. The Nazi’s Purification Committee deemed more than 2,500 authors fuel for the fires, and thousands of books banned by the Nazi regime were tossed into the pyres. The Minister for Popular Enlightenment and Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels, gave official approval to the event.

Your bookshelves marked whether you were a friend of Aryan Germany or an enemy of the state.

People have burnt books for almost as long as they have printed them. J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter novels are regularly torched for promoting witchcraft; even here in the Land of Enchantment, Harry Potter books were destroyed in Alamogordo alongside other works considered to be “the work of the devil,” including horror books by Stephen King, CDs by Eminem and AC/DC, and copies of Disney's Snow White.

Ray Bradbury said, “You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” This weekend, please pause a minute to reflect on your freedom to read what you like. Read a magazine, read a newspaper, read a new book, read a new blog. Read. Read.

"I got the idea from Gertrude Stein": further adventures in bookselling

Most of our local authors are wonderful people who appreciate the support the bookstore gives them. Most of them are good writers, and one, James D. Doss, enjoys a national reputation as a mystery author.

One, however, is a pain. Ina (not her real name) is self-published, prolific, and a master of self-promotion. Her books include a Southwestern mystery, a mystery of the Great Lakes area (not a big seller in the Southwest), the biography of a Michigan author whose fame echoes from Kalamazoo to Battle Creek, and a romance in the style of Jane Austen--if Jane Austen had mined a rich vein of prose combining the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.

Nevertheless, she has her fans.

Ina’s current claim to fame is that she walked the entire length of the Santa Fe Trail from west to east over the course of many years. Far be it from me to denigrate the achievement. I mean, the woman is now 70+ and is planning another hike of the trail, this time over the mountain route.

During her trek over the lower route, she sent back regular dispatches to the local paper, which obligingly printed them. She also presented the editors of every scrappy small-town weekly along the Santa Fe Trail with press releases about her trek. She collected the clippings, which are all pretty much identical, combined them with those from the local paper—and voila! another book.

Child: "We cain't shake her, Paw. She's still out there. Step on it!"

Her latest, the “ghost-written autobiography” of a retired teacher, is making me nuts. In the first place, an autobiography should be written by the person herself. In the second place, nobody should have to pay twelve bucks for a photocopied VeloBound book. In the third place, she should have shared the money from sales with the teacher.

And in the fourth place, when the teacher passed away at age 97, Ina called me at the store to see how many of her books we had on hand. I told her we didn’t have any.

She said she couldn’t get any more herself because the copy place was closed. She wanted to sell them at the memorial service for the teacher.

I just stood there with the phone. I couldn’t speak. Her comment precluded further comment anyway.

After a short pause, Ina assured me that she'd come up with a solution: she’d make up some order forms and hand them out at the reception after the service so folks could bring them by the store to reserve their copies.